It’s taken me awhile to write this and I had to discern if I was going to at all, but ultimately I needed to for myself…
As many of you may have known, we found out I was pregnant a month ago. When I went in for my first OB appointment a couple weeks ago I found out we had lost the baby.
It was the most shocking and devastating thing I have ever heard. I left that appointment a complete wreck.
The doctor could not find a fetal pole/ heartbeat on the ultrasound. We were either catching an early miscarriage or I was really off on my dates. I was 99% sure of my dates so I immediately knew what was happening. At this point, I had to get my HCG levels checked and wait. Those couple of days of waiting were complete torture. Physically I felt pregnant with morning sickness and I didn’t have any sign of miscarrying yet. I was freaked out every time I would go to the bathroom, terrified about seeing blood at any moment but at the same time, I was frustrated that if I was losing the baby why wasn’t my body doing anything. Waiting for the definite answer from either my doctor or my own body was agonizing.
The results from the first bloodwork showed a high level of HCG which meant I probably was right about my dates, thus meaning we should have seen something. The second time it did come back that my levels were dropping, confirming that I was indeed miscarrying. Before getting the second results I did have a bit of spotting which was devastating. It was an emotional pain that I never felt before.
After discussing my options with the doctor I decided to get a D&C to ensure that my body was rid of any tissue along with quicker healing. While I waited in the hospital to be taken back for the procedure was very emotional for me. I would be officially not pregnant anymore. Even though I knew my baby was gone, losing what was left was really hard for me.
Luckily my recovery has been great (physically at least). Thankfully the doctor seemed confident that everything should be fine and that my husband and I can start trying as soon as I’m healed from the procedure. Mentally things have been… weird. Having to change my outlook on the future has been tough. Before, everything I was planning revolved around being pregnant. I got so used to thinking that way for the past few weeks and now that I’m not it’s been challenging.
I had my procedure during Holy Week which brought tremendous comfort to me. I felt the compassion from Mother Mary. She was with me while I went through Advent while I waited for the birth of my last child like she did and she was embracing me as I lost my child also like she did. Jesus helped carry my cross and gave me strength when I needed the most. Honestly, I am truly humbled and blessed by this experience.
My husband and I decided to name the baby Francis/ Frances.
I want to thank everyone who has been so kind and that has reached out to me. I truly appreciate it.
Under Mary’s Mantle,